


Would she come back if it weren't for me?

by Luina



Series: Advisor to the 501st [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka is 16 in the flashback but 18 during main events, Anakin is very understanding, Angst, CT-7567 | Rex Needs a Hug, F/M, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Unrequited Love, anger issues, more unrequited love but the other way around, rex is a bit rude but he's hurting, rexsoka, so timeline isn't canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luina/pseuds/Luina
Summary: Rex would die for Ahsoka, but it doesn't mean he's in love with her. Not yet, at least. Her confession comes as a surprise to him, and it doesn't work out well.Then the Temple bombing happens and Ahsoka leaves the Jedi order. In the two following years, Rex reexamines his decision and realizes he screwed up and fell in love in the process.Just as he decides to make up for it, General Skywalker brings a new advisor to the team.
Relationships: CT-7567 | Rex/Ahsoka Tano
Series: Advisor to the 501st [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2208321
Comments: 17
Kudos: 74





	Would she come back if it weren't for me?

**Author's Note:**

> So, after reading tons of incredible Rexsoka works here, I decided to write my own. It's been quite a while since I wrote anything, and it's my first story here. Hope you will enjoy it!
> 
> UPDATE: I polished the text a bit. Mainly grammar and stylistic mistakes, and also use of tenses.

It’s been two years since the last time he saw her.

Clenching his helmet in his hands, Rex just stood in the middle of the room, not moving, not talking, hardly even breathing. She’s coming here sooner or later, probably sooner, since he’s been here for almost three hours.

"Uhm, Mr Soldier?" he heard a voice calling out for him. It was the young girl who let him in, the one with short curly brown hair. Trace, he thought her name was. "No need to be so uptight, this is not a battle. No commanding officers here."

Oh, but she was wrong. A commanding officer was on her way.

A commander. _His_ Commander.

Though she did not carry that title anymore, she would always be Commander Tano to him.

But her past high rank was not the main reason he was so nervous and stiff. Actually, it was the opposite of hierarchy. It was their friendship.

That was a nice way of putting it — friendship. Could a Jedi and a clone really be friends? Could they surpass the obvious gap between them? One is expendable, the other — nearly irreplaceable.

Rex could argue that this was where all their problems began — when she chose to neglect both his regulations and her code and decided they could be friends. And friendship led to the one thing the both of them were not supposed to have.

An attachment.

And then it all went to hell.

**(2,5 years earlier)**

"You wanted to see me, commander?" Rex said, entering the room. He was surprised she had called him to her own quarters, but it seemed alright — General Skywalker would often ask him to come to his room to help with the reports, or to stand guard while he was receiving one of his top secret transmissions from senator Amidala. Maybe it was something like that. Although Rex rather hoped it meant reports, not sneaky holo dates. _He wouldn’t want some Lux Bonteri stuffing Commander Tano’s head with that nonsense._

Ahsoka’s room was the same as his due to the standart regulation, since clones could become commanders, and in that case, they should not have better living space than their captain brothers. So it wasn’t big, but it had everything a soldier might have needed.

That’s right — a soldier. Not a young girl who deserved a sunlight-drenched pretty room instead of these faceless grey walls and metal furniture.

Ahsoka was sitting behind her desk, but when she heard his voice, she rose up to face him. She smiled at him, but her eyes betrayed a somewhat confused and anxious expression.

"Rex, please, come in. I need to talk to you about something. No, rather tell you something," she corrected herself as she started pacing the floor, her hands clasped behind her back, her face turned away from him.

"You can tell me anything, you know that." He assured her.

"It’s private matter. And confidential."

"I would assume that by default, sir."

"Would you please stop calling me that at least when we’re alone, Rex?"

She was right. They long surpassed the formal phase of their relationship. It happened sometime between her helping him through his panic attacks after Umbara and him describing to her in every detail how he’d make any man who would dare lay a finger on her pay — after Zygerria.

"I’m sorry,Ahsoka" he corrected himself. "Tell me what’s bothering you."

"Can we please sit?" she gestured towards the desk. Rex nodded and grabbed a second chair. He sat down, but instead of taking the other chair, Ahsoka climbed onto the table itself, grabbing the desk with her fists.

She was very nervous, no doubt.

Rex didn’t know the reason for her distress, but wanted to comfort her anyway. To reassure her he’d do anything for her.

Sometimes he wandered who would he choose if he had to — Ahsoka or his brothers? If ever there was any conflict? If something similar to Umbara happened again?

He didn’t know for sure, but if he had been honest with himself, he’d choose her.

He wouldn’t say that to her now, there was no need. So he just reached out and covered her hand with his. Hers was unusually cool. It was soothing.

She flinched a bit when he touched her, but did not move her hand. Instead she just stared at his fingers blankly for a moment before quietly saying:

"Anakin insisted I should tell you. I didn’t want to at first, but I know he’s right. There is no point in hiding it anymore. And if I’m brave enough to fight the separatists, I should be brave enough for this."

Her hand, slid over his, entwining their fingers. It was so small compared to his. Small and untouched by scars. He almost felt embarrassed of his cuts and rough, dry skin.

"Rex, I think… I think I’m in love with you."

It was as if a bucket of cold water was splashed onto Rex’s head. In a split second, he straightened in his chair and pulled his hand away from hers. He looked at her in disbelief and horror. Her own expression did not change much, but it became more worried.

"No, Commander" he said quietly, but firmly.

Ahsoka held up her breath. A few moments later, she finally managed to say:

"What… do you mean?" She tried to sound calm, but her voice went up at the end of the phrase. 

"This is not happening" he said.

"This is happening right now. I am telling you this, and it’s the truth, and if you don’t trust me, I—" Ahsoka couldn’t finish the sentence. She slid down from the desk and took a few steps away from him, but then stopped because there was nowhere to go. Not from this. He saw the blue stripes on her lekku darken — was she blushing?

He actually did have a hard time believing. Not because he didn’t trust her, but because this scenario was just never on the table for the clones. The only kind of love they were supposed to have was for the Republic. And the Republic was a jealous lover.

He stood up and approached her, but kept some distance.

"I am trying to say," he started slowly, "that this is a mistake. You can’t be in love with me. We’re friends, good friends. As a Jedi, you were not supposed to have a close friend, and you’re just confused."

She turned around to face him. She was angry now, he saw the dangerous glimpse in her eyes that was usually reserved for clankers on a battlefield. Seeing her look at him like that made Rex shiver.

"That is insulting as hell, Rex," she spat out. "How can you say that? You mean everything to me, and I— I actually think _you_ are the one who’s confused. You feel the same about me."

"I do, Ahsoka, I really do."

"Then why?"

"I would die for you, Ahsoka. But I am not in love with you." His voice was quiet and somewhat broken. Gods, it hurt to say that. It hurt _to hurt_ her in such a way. But there was nothing he could do.

"Ahsoka, this is all a big misunderstanding. You are my friend, you’re my best friend, but I could never think of you in that way. Please, _please,_ let’s fix this. Maybe you should talk to the General—"

"Stop treating me like a child!" she screamed.

"But you _are_ a child!" he raised his voice too and just hoped that nobody would be outside this room. "You’re sixteen!"

"I’m older than you." She pointed out.

"It doesn’t work like that and you know it."

"So, I’m old enough to die for the Republic, but not enough to be taken seriously when it comes to love?"

Rex’s heart sank at that comparison.

"No," he was quiet again, "I think it’s all wrong. You are a great commander and a skillful warrior, but the fact you’re good at it doesn’t make it right for you to fight this war."

She wasn’t angry anymore, but she was hurt. Kriff, he screwed up. He did not manage this situation as he should have. She was looking at the floor, unable to face him, but he was almost sure she was about to cry.

"I’m sorry for doubting you. You have a right to feel whatever you want to, and it’s not my place to tell you otherwise."

"Rex, I love you, I really do."

Yes, she was crying. He could hear it. More than anything in the world, he wanted to reach out and comfort her. But it would not be the best decision right now.

"I’m sorry."

He could feel his own tears building up, but he wasn’t about to let them drop. He was a good soldier. And a good soldier does not put his feelings on display.

Why? Why would she choose him? In what universe would it be a good idea for this pure, full of life and light kid to fall for a moody, rapidly aging soldier, who was not unique in any way? Who did not deserve it in the slightest?

Who would probably not even live long enough to see this war end?

"Rex, please." She finally looked up at him. Seeing two wet stripes running down her beautiful, but still childlike face made a lump form in his throat.

"There is nothing I can do, Ahsoka. You could order me, or subdue me, but it’s not you. You’re better than that."

Part of him wished she would actually use the Force to make him do what she wanted. Maybe that would make this crushing feeling of guilt go away.

It was time for him to leave now. Bowing his head and muttering "Commander", he stumbled towards the door.

Rex wasn’t force-sensitive, but when the door closed behind him, he could feel something that could be described as an explosion of deep pain, covering him like a shock wave.

**(now)**

Rex’s comm went off. Whatever it was, it could wa— no, it was General Skywalker.

"Commander Rex here" he answered.

"Rex, I need you to come back to the barracks at once. I know you’re on leave, and I’m sorry, I will make it up to you—"

"No need for that, sir. I’ll be right over."

"Thank, you, Rex."

He finished the call and sighed.

"Duty calls?" Trace asked.

"Yes."

"Too bad. I’ll tell her you came by."

"Please don’t."

So, it was not meant to be. He would not see her again.

He only had himself to blame for that. For the past two and a half years, he questioned his choice to reject her every day. Would it really be so terrible to just give in?

In the beginning, the answer was always obvious. For him, she was still the kid he met during the battle of Christophsis, the one he watched grow up.

But that was the point — she grew up. And in the weeks to come, he was becoming less and less certain of his decision. At first, doubts would come in the form of intrusive thoughts. What would it be like to give in? How would it feel like to be loved? How would it feel like to touch her, hold her, kiss her?

He always stopped at that point, reprimanding himself for such thoughts, and punished himself in some way — extra paperwork, unbearably long workouts, patrol duty.

But then the dreams came.

There is no way of controlling your dreams.

And the dreams were not as chaste and well-mannered. They varied, but a lot of them included Rex completely losing self-control and having his way with Ahsoka.

He would kill any man who would dare to even think of her in that way. But here he was, dreaming of taking her — sometimes subdued by her powers, sometimes at his own free will.

It was pure, animalistic desire and pleasure when he was asleep and crushing shame and guilt when he’d wake up.

But the worst dreams were not the ones about sex. After all, he knew that in reality he would never physically hurt her, and she would not make him do things he didn’t want to do. No, the dreams that haunted him the most were about pure happiness and bliss. Waking up next to Ahsoka. Cuddling her. Holding her hand when no one sees and stealing kisses in the corridors of the Resolute. Her warmth and smooth skin. Her montrals tickling his chin when he’s holding her in a lazy embrace.

Those were all the things he could have actually had, if only he didn’t reject her affection. But now it seemed impossible. An enormous chasm opened between them, their bond was broken, and Rex wasn’t sure it could ever be repaired.

For five days after that cursed conversation nobody had seen Ahsoka. She wouldn’t leave her quarters, and the only people allowed inside were General Skywalker and, occasionally, Kix. The General grew moodier by the day, and Rex wouldn’t be surprised if he’d eventually call him up and make him pay for what he did to his padawan.

But it didn’t happen. And five days later, a droid attack had erupted on the moon they were orbiting, and Commander Tano returned to the field, more concentrated and deadly than she’d ever been.

Rex’s mind was buried so deep in memories that he missed the entire trip back to the barracks.

Why would the General call him up? He always held his word when it came to promises made to his troopers, that was one of the reasons they all loved him so much. And Rex, as well as all of the 501st, was supposed to be on leave here on Coruscant after a long and tiresome siege in the outer rim.

Probably some important battle.

Rex didn’t mind.

To his surprise, there was no hustle when he entered the barracks. No one loaded anything on the shuttles, no announcements were being made via the main comm. He hardly met ten or twelve brothers on his way to the General’s office, two of them being Jesse and Fives having a lively conversation just outside the office’s doors. He couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but they went silent when they saw him.

"Jesse, Fives," he greeted them. "Any idea as to why the General has summoned me?"

"Ah, you had better ask him that yourself," Fives shrugged.

"Yeah, you totally should," added Jesse.

Even more confused now, Rex entered the passcode and the doors slid open. Anakin stood by the holotable, reviewing some maps.

"General? You wanted to see me?"

"Ah, Rex!" Anakin turned to him. He was smiling for some reason. "There’s something we need to discuss."

"Of course, sir."

Anakin walked towards the doors, checking if they were safely shut, and then addressed Rex:

"Rex, you do know that you are invaluable to me?"

"I am humbled to hear that, sir."

"And that I never question your decisions?"

"Yes, General."

"The way you manage the men? You’re a natural leader."

"Thank you, sir." Rex was confused.

"And you do know that I never regretted promoting you to Commander when the post became vacant?"

Did he really need to bring it up now? Rex was content with his post as a clone commander, but the job never truly felt like his — not after the way Ahsoka left the GAR.

He also wasn’t sure he liked where this conversation was heading.

"Rex, I have made a decision that may not be to your liking, but I want you to trust me on this. I have hired an advisor for the 501st command. That includes both me and you. So this is not to minimize your part as my right hand man, but to review and keep both of us in check.

Nothing betrayed Rex’s feelings, but he was not happy about this decision. Civvie advisors were usually something like that Captain Tarkin they met a few years ago. Not caring about the clones and challenging the Jedi morals. They did not need one of those here. Why would General Skywalker decide otherwise?

"I trust you to make the best decision for the 501st, sir, so if you say we need an advisor, then we need one."

He really hoped saying this would make it so.

"Thank you, Rex."

"So, when will the advisor arrive?"

"Oh, that’s why I called you up. She’s already here."

"She?"

"Hi Rex."

He flinched at the sound of a familiar voice. Quickly turning his head toward the other room of the office, he saw her standing in the doorway, hands crossed.

Ahsoka.

Gods, she was even more beautiful than he remembered. All the childish angularity was now gone, her once sharp shoulders were now smooth, her lekku were longer and the blue markings swirled in an ornate pattern, not just straight stripes anymore.

She was taller, but still a head shorter than him. She was wearing a grey dress and leggings, and there was a lightsaber on each hip — of course, because the General kept them for the two years she was gone.

Rex wasn’t ready to meet her after all.

He suddenly realized he was staring for way too long.

"C-commander," he finally managed to say.

"That’s you now, isn’t it?" She smiled at him. "I’m just a citizen. You should call me by my name."

As if today wasn’t hard enough. He hasn’t called her by her name since _that day_.

"As you wish, sir." He opted for a more generic title.

"Well, citizen, I believe Fives and Jesse are waiting for you." Anakin told her. "Go with them, but don’t have too much fun without us."

"Okay, Skyguy." She rolled her eyes at him. "See you around, Rex."

Rex’s gaze followed her as she left the room, he couldn’t help it. He was so confused. He did not expect their reunion to go this way. So calm and casual.

So cold.

"Okay Rex. Snap out of it." He heard the General’s voice.

He swiftly stood at attention, looking at Skywalker. But Ahsoka had shattered whatever remained of his unperturbed expression, so there was no fooling the General.

"S-sir." He mumbled.

"We won’t get much work done here if you continue to eat my former padawan up with your eyes like that. And you seem completely paralyzed. Pull yourself together."

Anakin Skywalker knew everything, of course.

He was the one Ahsoka came to for advice when she couldn’t conceal her feelings for Rex anymore. And Anakin, being a Jedi with unconventional views about relationships, told her to confess her feelings.

He was the one who had to put her back together again when Rex had rejected her.

He never addressed the situation while Ahsoka was still in the order, but he, of course, knew about Rex’s change of heart. It was impossible to hide that from a Jedi.

Still, it’s been only a year after she’d left when he and Rex finally had an honest-to-heart conversation about Ahsoka.

They were up late, discussing a plan of attack for their nearest battle. It was going to be a tough one, the odds were against them. Suddenly, Anakin let out a sigh and said:

"We could really use Ahsoka’s help right now, couldn’t we."

Rex froze. An awkward silence hovered over them. At last, Rex decided to speak up.

"Sir… do you know if she’s alright?"

"I keep tabs on her. She’s doing fine."

Rex nodded energetically. Of course she is. It would take much more than expulsion from the Jedi order to break that girl.

"I… I hurt her, sir. And I never got the chance to say I’m sorry." He confessed.

"Oh, but you did. You’ve had plenty of chances. _Months_ of chances, actually." The General’s voice sounded so casual for such cruel words.

Rex’s head hung.

"Sir, do you think she would come back if it weren’t for me?"

This question had haunted him for the past year.

Anakin looked at his commander attentively, taking it in and deciding how to proceed.

"No, Rex, I don’t think your… misunderstanding affected her decision that much."

"Definitely, sir, you’re right," Rex nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat, "you’re right, I’m not that important. Stupid of me to think that—"

"No, Rex." Anakin interrupted him calmly. "Make no mistake, you _were_ that important to her. And you did break her heart. But you never betrayed her. You did not frame her for murder, you did not turn your back on her. The Jedi did."

Rex felt a tear run down his cheek.

"Sir, I regret it every day. I wish I could change it."

"But you can’t, definitely not now. Let’s get back to work."

Rex found his men in the mess hall, gathered around a table in the far corner. Ahsoka was sitting on that table (always the neglect of chairs!), telling stories — funny ones, judging by the loud laughs he could hear.

He watched from a distance for a while, taking it in — her face, the sound of her voice, her smile, her quirky body language. He could not approach her, did not _dare_ approach her.

Frankly, he had no idea how they were going to work together. Probably just like they did just before she left the order — strictly professionally and distant.

Except back then he wasn’t so hopelessly in love with her. Well, time to have a taste of his own medicine. She had to bear it, now it was his turn.

He left the mess hall, unable to watch anymore. He needed to be alone.

Not a minute longer after, he heard someone running after him.

"Rex, wait!"

It was her. He stopped and turned around, trying his best to hide his feelings. Not just on the outside, but inside, too. He didn’t want her to reach out through the Force and find the bloody mess of feelings that was Commander Rex.

She came up to him. She was even closer now than she was in the General’s office — he could reach out his hand and touch her. And they were alone in the corridor, just like in so many of his dreams.

"Why didn’t you join us?"

"I didn’t think you’d want me to." He decided to tell her the truth.

"Don’t be an idiot, Rex. You are my friend, and I haven’t seen you for two years. Besides, you don’t make any sense. First, you come all the way down to my place and now you won’t see me?"

"Oh," he let out, "you know about that."

"Trace messaged me."

Of course she did. After he specifically asked her not to.

"Don’t run away from me, Rex, please." She reached out and touched his hand. Her touch sent an electricity charge through his body.

"I’m sorry, sir," he said quietly, "I have to go now."

He turned away from her and started walking, but she called his name again.

"Rex!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Thank you for doing what you did back then. I was a stupid child and you acted honorably by turning me down. I see that now."

His vision started to blur.

"I’m glad to hear it, sir."

She may have called him again, but he could not hear it — would not hear it. His only goal now was to reach his quarters, to be alone, to never hear her say anything like that again.

Those words hurt more than a lightsaber wound.

He did not remember how he got to his room. He was shaking, his face was burning, he wanted to scream. It was unfortunate that the barracks had sliding doors — otherwise he could have at least shut it so hard it would fall off.

Instead, he started banging his fist against the metal wall. The wall was too strong and stayed unharmed, but if was soon smeared with blood from Rex’s bruised knuckles.

"Stupid… clone…" With every hit, he spat out a word. "Of course she never loved you… No one ever could… You mean nothing to her… You’re nothing…"

"No, you’re not." He heard a quiet voice object.

He turned around and saw her. How long has she been here?

"Ahsoka, leave. Please, leave," he begged her.

 _Please don’t hurt me any more than you already did and than I did myself,_ he wanted to say, but did not.

"No, I won’t." She shook her head and walked up to him, taking his hand into his and examining the bloodied knuckles. "Not while you’re in this state."

"No offense, but you’re the reason for this state. Not your fault, but it would be best if I were to see you as little as possible and only when the job requires it."

"Rex, oh, Rex. And why would that be?"

"Like you don’t know already." He felt his anger build up again. Did she really need to mock him, on top of everything? "I’m in love with you, and it’s a nightmare."

Ahsoka inhaled deeply and held her breath.

"W-what did you just say?"

"You may have been confused then, but it’s very much real for me now. But it doesn’t matter, because you don’t actually love me, never did, you just said so yourself, and I—"

"Rex, stop." She covered his mouth with her hand, her thumb brushing gently against his lips. Her wide eyes met his. She seemed shocked. "Everything I just said — it’s not true."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because I wanted you back, at least as a friend, and it seemed like the only way!"

"Well, I don’t want to be just your friend anymore. It’s not enough for me, never will be," he said firmly.

"It is not enough for me either," she whispered.

"Then what are you saying?"

"I’m saying you should kiss me right now or there will be consequences."

And he did. It was awkward and wet, because they were both crying, and messy, because he left a trace of his blood on her face. And it was soon hard to breathe, because they did not stop for a gasp of air.

But the soul-crushing guilt and pain finally went away.


End file.
